Give Them Permission to Say NO!

My friend Ryan is avoiding me. What the heck is his hang up. I'm actually realizing that a few of my friends are avoiding me.  They are not quick to respond to my emails or calls and this is not like them.  It's like I've got leprosy all of a sudden.  What the heck is their problem?  I've deposited plenty into our friendship bank account over the years with no withdraw at all.   I'd say it's time for a little withdrawal, at least in terms of respect.  How many of you feel this way or have felt this way?  I'm sure you have if you are actively involved in the direct selling business.  Well let me let you in on a little secret that I learned right out of the gates.

You may think you are tiptoeing and being very careful because they are your friends or family and the last thing you want is to make them feel uncomfortable.  However; their perception is that you are STOMPING and attacking them.  You won't leave them alone and the last thing they want is to have you ask them one more time about your product because they really don't have an answer.  They are uncomfortable. Oh, they want to talk to you, they love you, but they don't have an answer and they don't want to let you down. Or, they simply want to say NO but they don't want to let you down.  Or, they think your going to leave them behind and they are scared.  They want to engage but don't think they have what it takes to be a pushy sales person.  They don't want to bother all of their friends like you are or at least their perception tells them  you are being pushy.

I know this because my friends Ryan apologized to me the other day.  His comment was "Sean I owe you an apology."  I said "no you don't" he said "yes I do. Please hear me out."  I listened as he told me how I was one of the most valuable relationships he has and the last thing he would want to do was avoid me but that he realized he had been avoiding me because he feared that I was just going to ask him about my product again and he didn't have an answer for me.  "He said "I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't want you to hound me about _____  at that moment."  He actually used the word "hound."  I could have easily been offended because I genuinely thought I had been gentle about it. I had been tiptoeing around the subject and it was so hard for me to even bring it up.  I heard the message from his heart however and thanked him for his apology.  Prior to this meeting he had sent me a text message saying "We need to meet" it was an urgent message. I made myself available and yet it still took him 4 days to meet with me.  When he told me he just couldn't do it, I said "thats fine" you gave it an honest look, you kept the commitment you made to me to give it a try and I couldn't and wouldn't ask more of him.  I thanked him for the respect he gave me as a friend and told him I didn't want him to worry or think about it again.  After he apologized he said I don't know why I made this so hard on myself for so long when I told you no you made it easy on me.  "I didn't want to let you down, but I know you well enough to know that wouldn't be a problem, but boy... I sure made it a problem" he said. 

I'm not sure if he ever realized the dilemma I was in, all of a sudden being sent to the colony to wait out my days with the other lepers, but that was a pretty lonely feeling too.  It's one of the reasons most people fail at this business.  They get discouraged and give up.

This is human nature.  We all want to be accepted. We all want to be needed.  We all fear loosing the support system we have and the last thing we would want to do is alienate that lifeline of our support system.  Especially if it's a little weak in the first place which for most people it is very fragile because they haven't been depositing enough into the friendship bank account over the years.  We look at this industry and decide from our own perception that it's really only the strong or crazy ones that make it.  We perceive them as either super strong or super calloused and unaware of people around them.  These are the ones we want to avoid and wouldn't want to be accused of being like.  

Years ago I had an experience where a new friend, who wasn't really much of a friend at all but a new acquaintance who had so gracefully befriended me to get me in his business.  I liked him and liked the attention he was giving me.  He told me I had talent and could be a leader in the business and make a lot of money.  When I decided not to do the business,  actually I couldn't really say no but was saying no with my actions, he let me know that he and his wife didn't have time in their life for people that were not going where they were going.  I thought to myself what an arrogant jerk, I'm going the same place you are going, which to me at the time was toward the land of success, whatever that meant.  I was just going to choose a different route which felt better for me.  However in my young impressionable state it left a scar that I was not aware of.  Most of us have received a similar scar from some experience or multiple experiences in our history that cause us to fear loosing what we need most of all in life, connection.

So here is a secret if you want to be successful in this business.  Give your friends and family permission to say NO!  Do it quick and make it clear.  I like to say "I'd love to work with you in this business but I don't need you.  What I mean is, your not critical to my success.  So,  if it's not for you I completely understand.  No commitment at all cause we're friends either way."  I look them in the eye and say, "are we clear?" "I don't want you avoiding me because your afraid to tell me no.  If their is any reservation at all I need you to say no, for now." Let them say no and move on with grace and ease.  Don't be attached to your friends or family getting it, or getting in. 

Some say don't approach your warm market at least not your friends or family but this is a little contrary to the spirit of what makes this business so great.  No, I wouldn't hire all my friends and family in a traditional business, that wouldn't make sense. I would certainly hire the best people for the job.  Believe me I'm looking for those people in this business and that is where I need to spend my time if I am to be successful. However, if I have something that they can benefit from and I didn't share it with them I would not be much of a friend.  It's truly their decision what they choose to do with my introduction and I should not be attached to the outcome.  I can make it a lot easier on myself and them however, if I eliminate the dreaded cloud that is the destroyer of good relationships and potential success, if right out of the gates I give them permission to say NO.  Get them to No quickly and then honor their No by not treating them any different for their decision to not join me.  Celebrate it as a matter of fact and move on.